2004-05-30, 11:34 p.m.
Highschool over.
I'm moving onto the next step.
It's a realization I dont want to face.
because it's like I'm always just trying desperately to get to the next step, instead of living in the now. It just occured to me, I dont know what living in the now even means. I'd like to think it's realizing that every moment is unique and beautiful in it's on special way.
and being a kid was everything you could dream for, everything you could hope for in life. Because that was living in the now.
Because every minute of every day was fuckin beautiful. Everything was Real.
because we weren't old enough to understand things like human behavoiur, and all the horrible things we're capable of doing.
We were just so innocent.
So untainted.
So unjaded.
Just scared fuckin kids.
And I'd just like to get back to that, I'd like to be innocent again.
So next time I ask you whats real, I'm asking if what I'm feeling is what you're feeling. Because I don't feel familiar with these feelings anymore.
and I just wish I could see things for the first time again.
instead of living like this. Living like a pathetic junkie in anticipation of my next high, my next rush, my next fix.
Because whens your dreams and ambitions are so huge you always end up falling short. Everything you do always seems to dissapoint.
and I'm tired of being dissapointed.
I'm tired of waking up every morning and wanting something more.
becuase when you're the boy who has everything, when nothing seems to fill the void, the pursuit of happiness is nothing more than a cruel joke.